I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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