Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
