dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
