About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
