Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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