just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
