Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
