Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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