She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
