3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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