Someone shit on the floor
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize