Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Randomize
