Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
