3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
