There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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