I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
