be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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