Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
