Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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