can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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