The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
