I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i love accidental penises.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize