How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
3 2 1 whiskey
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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