I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
