she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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