I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
