Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
