You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
