Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
