Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
