my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
