My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
