I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
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