I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
