EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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