dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
