3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
