So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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