All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
