Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
