Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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