I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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