I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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