Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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