Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
