Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
