please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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