i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
