How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
