I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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