I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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