i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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