I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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