Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
