3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
