I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
