the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
