im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
