Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
