Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize