You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
