Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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