I faked an abortion last night.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
