there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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