you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize